"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity,
and I'm not sure about the former." Albert Einstein
WORSE THAN A CLOWN
There was a young monk in China who was a
very serious practitioner of the Dharma.
Once, this monk came across something he did not understand, so he went to ask
the master. When the master heard the question, he kept laughing. The master
then stood up and walked away, still laughing.
The young monk was very disturbed by the master's reaction. For the next 3 days,
he could not eat, sleep nor think properly. At the end of 3 days, he went back
to the master and told the master how disturbed he had felt. When the master
heard this, he said, "Monk, do you know what your problem is? Your problem
is that YOU ARE WORSE THAN A CLOWN!"
The monk was shocked to hear that, "Venerable Sir, how can you say such a
thing?! How can I be worse than a clown?" The master explained, "A
clown enjoys seeing people laugh. You? You feel disturbed because another
person laughed. Tell me, are u not worse than a clown?"
When the monk heard this, he began to laugh. He was enlightened.
THE GEOTHERMICS OF HELL
Who says religion and
science aren't compatible???
The following is an actual question posed on a University of Washington
chemistry mid term. The answer was so "profound" that the professor
shared it with colleagues, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools
off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One
student, however, wrote the following:
"First, we need to know how the mass of
Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving
into Hell and the rate they are leaving.
I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not
leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions
that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are
not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than
one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one
religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in
Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the
rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order
for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell
has to expand as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls
in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we
accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year,
"...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you.", and
take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual
relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is
exothermic and will not freeze."
The student received the
only "A" given.
LANGUAGE IN THE EU
The European Union
commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English
as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German,
which was the other possibility.
As part of negotiations, Her Majesty Government conceded that English spelling
had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what
will be known as EuroEnglish (Eurish for short).
In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft
"c". Sertainly, sivil servants will reseive this news with joy.
Also, the hard "c" will be replased with "k". Not only will
this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan
have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the
troublesome "ph" will be replased by "f". This will make
words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where
more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal
of double letters, which have always been a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent leters like "e"s in
the languag is disgraful, and they would go.
By the forth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing
"th" by "z" and "w" by "v".
During ze fifz year ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords
kontaining"ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations
of leters like droping the "a" from "ea".
After zis fifz year, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor
trobls or difikultis and evrion vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem
vil finali kum tru.
WELCOME TO INDIAN AIRWAYS
"Good morning, Ladies
and Gentlemen. This is your captain Banta Singh welcoming you to Indian
We apologise for the four days delay in taking off, owing to bad weather and
some overtime I had put in at the bakery of my uncle. This is flight one-two-six
from Mumbai to New Delhi.
Landing in Delhi
is not guaranteed, but we should be ending up somewhere in India. Indian
Airways is having an excellent record for safety. In fact our safety standards
are so high that even the terrorists are afraid to flying with us! It is with
pleasure I announce that starting this year over 50% of our passengers have
been reaching their destination. For the ones that do not make it, Indian
Airways staff have all the requisite experience for consoling the family.
Our stewardess Bubbly will be happy briefing you on our out-of-court settlement
For catching important
landmarks, we try to flying as close as possible for the best view. If,
however, we are going a little too close do let us know.
If our engines are too noisy for you, on passenger request, we can arrange
turning them off. To make your free fall to earth pleasant and memorable, we
serve complimentary tea and biscuits at the chai shop just behind the cockpit..
We regret to inform you, that today's in-flight movie will not be shown as we
forgot to record it from television last month and the video recorder is being
repaired. But for the movie fan, we will be flying right next to flight
six-five-nine from Air India,
and their movie will be visible from the windows on the right side of the
cabin. We regret to inform you that the in-flight music is not available as all
headphones are missing and the cassette tape is blocked. Instead, we request
all mothers to keep their children running around the cabin to entertain the
other passengers; in case the children are too tired or too young for running,
crying will be serving the same purpose.
There is no-smoking in this
airplane. Any smoke you see in the cabin should only come from the engines, so
please tell us if you see smoke. Free life jacket are positioned under your
seats, but please return them to our staff after use. In case the cabin
pressure is too low, oxygen masks will be dropping from the ceiling, but it is
no use putting them on, as our oxygen bottles are empty since the accident we
had last week with this airplane in which we lost the rear cabin door, but this
was fixed cheap and best; please do not lean against it. It is not possible to
smoke in the the toilet at the back of the plane, as it has not been cleaned
for a while, and men only can do their natural urge from the central gangway
when keeping the door open. We request them to aim well for the comfort of the
Kindly be seating, keeping your seat in an upright position for taking off and
fastening your belt. For those of you who cannot find a seat belt, kindly
fasten your own belt to the arm of your seat. And for those of you who can't
find a seat, do not hesitate getting in touch with a flight attendant for your
As your suitcase will be
missing at arrival in Delhi,
you are welcome to line up at the "Lost Luggage" desk in New Delhi airport, where
we will be serving you with a complimentary cup of tea to ease the wait. Air India will
reimburse you 50 Rupees for every suitcase lost, with a maximum of 10 Rupees
per person. The reimbursement slip should be stamped and signed at a local
police office, the FAA, the Manager of Air India in Hawai, the local Airport
Authorities of the Airport of Departure and Arrival, the Air-India Workers
Union and the mayors of the Cities of Departure and Arrival within 24 hours of
scheduled departure of your flight. You can then receive the cash reimbursement
anytime from to on the first Friday of every
month at the Airport in Calcutta,
except on holidays.
The co-pilot Mr. Singh
should be arriving soon, but his rickshaw broke down on the way to the airport.
In case you manage to return to Mumbai, he is having an excellent rickshaw
service which is cheap and best. The rickshaw of his nephew, Mr. Singh in New Delhi, is also cheap
and best. Please disturb the co-pilot during the flight to haggle on the price
of his rickshaw, to save time at the airport.
Thank you for choosing Indian Airways. Have a nice journey. In some seats,
there may still be recycled vomit bags in front of you."
FACTS ABOUT LIFE ON TV 50 Things you would
never know if it weren't for TV!
1. If staying in a haunted
house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing
underwear, preferably carrying candles which will be blown out by the slightest
2. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St
Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
3. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a
woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.
4. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
5. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the
control tower to talk you down.
6. Once applied, lipstick and any other make-up will never rub off - even while
scuba diving and sleeping.
7. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place and leads
to any location in the building, including the safe. No one will ever think of
looking for you in there.
8. You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake
of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
9. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be
necessary to speak the language. English with a German accent will do, provided
you are blonde.
10. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
11. People never finish their drinks.
12. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will
wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds afterwards. This generally leads
to a sex scene.
13. The chief of police is always wrong.
14. When paying for a taxi, just grab a note from your pocket and hand it over.
It will always be the exact fare.
15. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15 cm.
16. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you
should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
17. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip
club at least once.
18. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every
morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.
19. Any American movie will contain a car chase, unless it was made by Walt
Disney. Cars and trucks that crash will always burst into flames after they
have come to a standstill and the hero is running away from it at 5 to 10
20. Wearing a vest or stripping to the waist makes a man invulnerable to
bullets, provided he is the main character. Unimportant bad guys are killed
instantaneously with one bullet or punch. Important bad guys nearly kill the
hero savagely before they are killed.
21. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football
22. If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and
run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon.
23. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth, were well-fed, wore clean clothes and
24. Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object
out of visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
25. All single women have a cat.
26. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
27. Even when driving down a completely straight road, it is necessary to turn
the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments. Similarly,
when driving a curvy road, the slightest movement of the steering wheel will do
28. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20
men firing at one.
29. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
30. If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically
beating the cradle and saying, "Hello? Hello?"
31. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings - especially if any of
their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
32. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving
martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by
dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their
predecessor. If two men attack at the same time, the one behind you will firmly
hold you up, so you can free your legs to kick the one coming from the front.
If two men simultaneously attack from left and right, just a step backwards is
sufficient to have them knock each other out.
33. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are
speaking to, one stands behind them and talk to their back.
34. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will
still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
35. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.
36. Police departments give their officers undergo personality tests to make
sure they are assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
37. Action heroes never eat and drink when chased for weeks, do not go to the
toilet or need more than 5 minutes of sleep per day.
38. Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage,
despite laying entire cities to waste.
39. No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is
40. If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a heavy
thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the
41. You can always find a chainsaw whenever you're likely to need one.
42. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their
arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems,
deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at
least 20 minutes to escape.
43. There are three types of criminals: megalomaniacs, Italian mafiosi and
brain-dead muscle packs.
44. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can
be played with moving the fingers randomly.
45. All bombs are camouflaged using electronic timing devices with large red
displays, showing exactly when the device will detonate. They are always
disarmed by clipping one of two wires when the clock displays 3 seconds or
46. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are
visiting, cars need not be locked, nor keys taken out. If keys ere taken out of
the ignitiuon, they should be left on top of the sunshade.
47. Guns are like disposable razors - if you run out of bullets, they should be
thrown away. You can always find a new one which is loaded.
48. The weather always indicates what will happen next: rain will bring sadness
(unless the film is called 'Singing in the rain'), thunder will bring fear and
49. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty and
continues the case in his own time.
50. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will
know all the steps.
BILL GATES GOES TO HEAVEN
Bill Gates dies in a car
accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to
send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting
a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that
ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your
case; I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."
Bill replied, "well, what's the difference between the two?"
St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it
will help your decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?"
"I'll leave that up to you."
"Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first." So Bill
went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots
of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and
frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very
"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I really
want to see heaven!"
"Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in
the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice,
but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his
"Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.
"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire."
So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the
late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found
Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being
burned and tortured by demons.
"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.
Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment,
"this is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I
can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the
beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?!???
"That was a demo," replied St. Peter.
Sign in a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:
PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
Sign in a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR
FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
Outside a farm:
HORSE MANURE: 50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG, 20p DO-IT-YOURSELF
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE
On a church door:
THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR.
(THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)
English sign in a German
MOTHERS, PLEASE WASH YOUR HANS BEFORE EATING
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC.
WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Sign outside a new town
hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales:
THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING.
IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED.
Outside a photographer's
OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO
Seen at the side of a Sussex road:
SLOW CATTLE CROSSING.
NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS.
Outside a disco:
SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN.
Sign warning of quicksand:
ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED.
BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.
Notice sent to residents of
a Wiltshire parish:
DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS
WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO
KEEP THEM IN ORDER
Notice in a dry cleaner's
ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF.
Sign on motorway garage:
PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH, BUT
OUR PETROL IS
Notice in health food shop
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT:
THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR
Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
Sign on a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.
(PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL
Sign at Norfolk farm gate:
I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT
Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER.
PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
MICROSOFT VERSUS APPLE
Three Apple engineers and
three Microsoft employees are traveling by train to a conference. At the
station, the three Microsoft employees each buy tickets and watch as the three
Apple engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a
"Watch and you'll see," answers the Apple engineer.
They all board the train. The Microsoft employees take their respective seats,
but all three Apple engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind
them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "ticket
please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a
ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The Microsoft employees saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So
after the conference, the Microsoft employees decide to copy the Apple
engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and
all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the
return trip. To their astonishment, the Apple engineers don't buy a ticket at
"How are you going to travel without a ticket" says one perplexed
"Watch and you'll see," answers an Apple engineer.
When they board the train the three Microsoft employees cram into a restroom
and the three Apple engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the Apple engineers leaves his restroom and walks
over to the restroom where the Microsoft employees are hiding. He knocks on the
door and says, "Ticket, please"...
MICROSOFT VERSUS GENERAL MOTORS
At a recent computer expo
(COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto
industry and stated that:
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we
would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
"If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving
cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would
just accept this, restart and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car
to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought
"Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times
as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only work on five percent of the
7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced
by a single "general car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and
refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned
the key, and grab hold of the external radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand
McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor
want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's
performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for
investigation by the Justice Department.
12. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn to
drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same
manner as the old car.
13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine."
Bill Gates' response has
not been made public.
Means: "You boring woman, I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and
stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete
IT'S A GUY THING"
Means: "You women never understand, it's just fun. There is no rational
thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it
"CAN I HELP WITH
Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."
Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response. If anything, it means;
"I haven't heard what you said."
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO
LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Means: "I have no idea how it works."
"I WAS LISTENING TO
YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
"TAKE A BREAK HONEY,
YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD".
Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
Means: "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY
Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first
girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've
ever owned, but sorry, I forgot your birthday."
"I WAS JUST THINKING
ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES".
Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"OH, DON'T FUSS, I
JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I
admit that I'm hurt."
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY
REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING".
Means: "And I sure hope I can think of some pretty soon."
"I CAN'T FIND
Means: "Help, it didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely
"I HEARD YOU."
Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping
desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3
days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD
NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be
Means: "Please stop trying on any more dresses, I'm starving."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW
EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."
"WE SHARE THE
Means: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."
VALUABLE LESSONS FROM OUR PARENTS
All the things my mother
TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE - "If you're going to kill each other, do it
outside - I just finished cleaning!"
RELIGION - "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
FORESIGHT - "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an
FLEXIBILITY - "Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
STAMINA - "You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."
WEATHER - "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
PHYSICS PROBLEMS - "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you;
would you listen then?"
BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION - Stop acting like your father!"
What my father taught
LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why."
IRONY - "Keep laughing and I'll *give* you something to cry out."
OSMOSIS - "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
HYPOCRISY - "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - don't
THE CIRCLE OF LIFE - "I brought you into this world, and I can take you
ENVY - "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who
don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the
middle of next week!"
Once there lived a village
of creatures along the bottom of a great crystal river. Each creature in its
own manner clung tightly to the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for
clinging was their way of life, and resisting the current what each had learned
But one creature said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is
going. I shall let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I shall die
The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool! Let go, and that current you
worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the rocks, and you will die
quicker than boredom!"
But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, and at once was
tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks. Yet, in time, as the
creature refused to cling again, the current lifted him free from the bottom,
and he was bruised and hurt no more.
And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, "See, a
miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the Messiah has come to
save us all!" And the one carried in the current said, "I am no more
a Messiah than you. The river delights to lift us free, if only we dare let go.
Our true work is this voyage, this adventure".
But they held on to their rocks and cried, "Saviour!", making legends
of a Saviour.
THE SUSPICIOUS ARAB
Yesterday I was on the underground
travelling on the District line.
A man of Arabic appearance got off the train and I noticed that he had left his
bag behind. I grabbed the bag and ran after him, caught up with him at the top
of the escalator and handed him back his bag.
He was extremely grateful to me and reached into his bag which appeared to
contain large bundles of banknotes. He offered me a reward, but I refused.
So he looked round, made sure nobody was looking and whispered to me: "I
can never repay your kindness, Sir, but I will try to leave you with a word of
advice. Stay away from Aberdeen Steak Houses."
I was terrified. "Is there going to be an attack?" I whispered.
"No." he whispered back "The food is shit and the dessert
selection extremely limited."