The major difference between a thing that might go
wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong,
is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns
out to be impossible to get at or repair.
There is a theory which states that if ever anybody
discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will
instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and
There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
I want to tell you a terrific story about oral
contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said "no."
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal
The two most common elements in the universe are
hydrogen and stupidity. But not in that order.
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer
I am a creationist; I refuse to believe that I could
have evolved from humans.
Never answer an anonymous letter.
Peter (Yogi) Berra
Time is nature's way of making sure that everything
doesn't happen at once.
What sane person could live in this world and not be
Ursula K. LeGuin
We spend the first twelve months of our children's
lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit
down and shut up.
There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must
take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
W. C. Fields
A hen is only an egg's way of making another egg.
In the beginning the Universe was created. This has
made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it
from betting on people.
W. C. Fields
If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you
must first create the universe.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in
hospitals dying of nothing.
Some people like my advice so much that they frame it
upon the wall instead of using it.
Gordon R. Dickson
One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often
a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say.
Telling the truth to people who misunderstand you is
generally promoting a falsehood, isn't it?
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
Carl Gustav Jung
If a person wants to be atheistic, it's his God-given
right to be an atheist.
If you don't want to work, you have to work to earn
enough money so that you won't have to work.
Isn't it strange? The same people who laugh at gypsy
fortune tellers take economists seriously.
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
W. C. Fields
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain -- and
most fools do.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then
give up. No use being a damned fool about it.
W. C. Fields
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Half our life is spent trying to find something to do
with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.
God gave us a penis and a brain, but only enough blood
to run one at a time.
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you
is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
I can give you a definite perhaps.
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his
Is it progress if a cannibal uses knife and fork?
Creator: A comedian whose audience is afraid to laugh.
Imagine the Creator as a low comedian, and at once the world becomes
Henry Louis (H. L.) Mencken
Immorality: The morality of those who are having a
Henry Louis (H. L.) Mencken
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would
want to live in an institution.
Henry Louis (H. L.) Mencken
A human being. . . An ingenious assembly of portable
Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable
All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence;
then success is sure.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of
Buy land. They've stopped making it.
In the first place God made idiots. That was for
practice. Then he made school boards.
Noise proves nothing - often a hen who has merely laid
an egg cackles as if she had laid an asteroid.
We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude
certain types of people.
Colonel Gerald Wellman
Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in
All of the animals except man know that the principal
business of life is to enjoy it.
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to
fetch a child of five.
A man is as young as the woman he feels.
Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone
can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a
As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear
case for divorce and so will my wife.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is
Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like
flies? There isn't time to dig trenches. We'll have to buy them ready made.
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it
down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but
don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
Here's to our wives and girlfriends ... may they never
How do you feel about women's rights? I like either
side of them.
I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under
adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
I find television very educating. Every time somebody
turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
I know, I know - you're a woman who's had a lot of
tough breaks. Well, we can clean and tighten those brakes, but you'll have to
stay in the garage all night.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad
to make an exception.
I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my
resignation'. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a
I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side
I've been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she
was a virgin.
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this
Last night I shot an elephant in my pajamas and how he
got in my pajamas I'll never know.
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
Military justice is to justice what military music is
[Mrs. Teasdale]: He's had a change of heart.
[Groucho]: A lot of good that'll do him. He's still got the same face.
Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the
breeze from here!
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside
of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage
Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
Remember men, you are fighting for the ladies honor,
which is probably more than she ever did.
Room service? Send up a larger room.
Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put 'Emily, I
love you' on the back of the bill.
She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing .. if
you can fake that, you've got it made.
There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask
him. If he says 'yes,' you know he is a crook.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Time wounds all heels.
We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't
developed. . . But we're going back next week.
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity
ever done for me?
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact,
she reminds me more of you than you do!
Women should be obscene and not heard.
You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck
You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll
bet he was glad to get rid of it.
This `telephone' has too many shortcomings to be
seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of
no value to us.
Western Union internal memo, 1876
It is about a socialist, anti-family political
movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children,
practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.
Pat Robertson, speaking of the Equal Rights Amendment Mar. 22, 1930
The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's
history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I
didn't live in this century.
Senator Dan Quayle, Sept.
The great question - which I have not been able to
answer - is, "What does a woman want?"
I think there is a world market for maybe five
Thomas Watson, Chairman of IBM, 1943
I have traveled the length and breadth of this country
and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a
fad that won't last out the year. Prentice Hall, editor in charge of
business books, 1957
But what ... is it good for?
Anonymous engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968,
commenting on the microchip.
So we went to Atari and said, `Hey, we've got this
amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about
funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary,
we'll come work for you.' And they said, `No.' So then we went to
Hewlett-Packard, and they said, `Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got
through college yet.'
Steve Jobs, founder of Apple Computer Inc. on attempts to get Atari and H-P
interested in his personal computer.
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in
Ken Olson , President, Chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977
640K ought to be enough for anybody.
Bill Gates, 1981
Natura non facit saltum. (Nature does not make leaps.)
Anonymous ancient motto frequently cited by Carolus Linnaeus
Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try
and find oil? You're crazy.
Anonymous drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to
drill for oil in 1859.
The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in
order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible.
management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable
overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)
Everything that can be invented has been invented.
Attributed to Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.
In a few years, all the great physical constants will
have been approximately estimated, and ... the only occupation which will then
be left to the men of science will be to carry these measurements to another
place of decimals.
James Clerk Maxwell, 1871
The more important fundamental laws and facts of
physical science have all been discovered, and these are now so firmly
established that the possibility of their ever being suplanted in consequence
of new discoveries is exceedingly remote ... Our future discoveries must be
looked for in the sixth place of decimals.
Albert A. Michelson, 1894
Professor Goddard does not know the relation between
action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against
which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high
New York Times, in editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket
Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.
Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872
The good Christian should beware the mathematican and all those who make empty
prophecies. The danger already exists that the mathematicans have made a
covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and to confine man in the bonds of
First, . . . to want to affirm that in reality the sun
is at the center of the world and only turns on itself without moving from east
to west, and the earth . . . revolves with great speed around the sun . . .is a
very dangerous thing, likely not only to irritate all scholastic philosophers and
theologians, but also to harm the Holy Faith by rendering Holy Scripture false.
Nor can one answer that this is not a matter of faith, since if it is not a
matter of faith "as regards the topic," it is a matter of faith
"as regards the speaker"; and so it would be heretical to say that
Abraham did not have two children and Jacob twelve, as well as to say that
Christ was not born of a virgin, because both are said by the Holy Spirit
through the mouth of the prophets and the apostles.
Cardinal Bellarmine, in a Letter to Foscarinin, April 12, 1615
The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial
value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?
Anonymous associates of David Sarnoff's in response to his urgings for
investment in the radio in the 1920s.
Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high
Irving Fisher, 1929
Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?
H. M. Warner, founder of Warner Brothers film studios, 1927
Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.
Lord Kelvin, 1895
Flight by machines heavier than air is unpractical and
insignificant, if not utterly impossible.
Simon Newcomb, 1902, eighteen months before Kitty Hawk
Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military
Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding
it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.
Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you
were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
Hell, I never vote for anybody. I always vote against.
W. C. Fields
If 'pro' is the opposite of 'con', what is the
opposite of progress?
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and
report the facts.
Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism,
it's just the opposite.
John Kenneth Galbraith
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to
build bridges even when there are no rivers.
About the time we can make ends meet, somebody moves
We are going to have peace even if we have to fight
Dwight D. Eisenhower
We are not retreating - we are advancing in another
General Douglas MacArthur
We may not imagine how our lives could be more
frustrating and complex - but Congress can.
H. L. Mencken:
The trouble with Communism is the Communists, just as
the trouble with Christianity is the Christians.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere,
may be happy.
It is inaccurate to say I hate everything. I am
strongly in favor of common sense, common honesty, and common decency.
This makes me forever ineligible for public office.
Demagogue: One who preaches doctrines he knows to be
untrue to men he knows to be idiots.
Democracy is the art of running the circus from the
Under democracy one party always devotes its chief
energies to trying to prove that the other party is unfit to rule - and both
commonly succeed, and are right...
Every decent man is ashamed of the government he lives
A politician is an animal which can sit on a fence and
yet keep both ears to the ground.
Freedom of press is limited to those who own one.
George W. Bush:
It's important for us to explain to our nation that
life is important. It's not only life of babies, but it's life of children
living in, you know, the dark dungeons of the Internet.
Will the highways on the Internet become more few?
It's your money. You paid for it.
Rarely is the question asked: Is our children
That's a chapter, the last chapter of the 20th, 20th,
the 21st century that most of us would rather forget. The last chapter of the
20th century. This is the first chapter of the 21st century.
The administration I'll bring is a group of men and
women who are focused on what's best for America, honest men and women,
decent men and women, women who will not stain the House.
The important question is, How many hands have I
They misunderestimated me.
They said, `You know, this issue doesn't seem to
resignate with the people.' And I said, you know something? Whether it
resignates or not doesn't matter to me, because I stand for doing what's the
right thing, and what the right thing is hearing the voices of people who work.
They want the federal government controlling Social
Security like it's some kind of federal program.
This is still a dangerous world. It's a world of
madmen and uncertainty and potential mental losses.
What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas,
quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate.
Quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So, I don't know how that fits into what
everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.
When I was coming up, it was a dangerous world, and
you knew exactly who they were. It was us versus them, and it was clear who
them was. Today, we are not so sure who the they are, but we know they're
Vice President Dan Quayle::
Public speaking is very easy.
For NASA, space is still a high priority.
It's time for the human race to enter the solar
Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is
somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen
pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that
means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe.
Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is a state that is by
itself. It is a -- it is different than the other 49 states. Well, all states
are different, but it's got a particularly unique situation.
I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more
freedom and democracy - but that could change.
I have made good judgements in the Past. I have made
good judgements in the Future.
I was recently on a tour of Latin
America, and the only regret I have is that I didn't study my
Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.
If we do not succeed, then we run the risk of failure.
It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
It isn't pollution that's harming the environment.
It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.
My friends, no matter how rough the road may be, we
can and we will never, never surrender to what is right.
Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that
teach our children.
The American people would not want to know of any
misquotes that Dan Quayle may or may not make.
The [Democrats] talked about putting people first.
Well, they put people first unless you happen to be a spotted owl or a giant
garter snake or some other endangered species and then that seems to have
priority. Obviously, you take the bald eagle and things of that sort, of course
you're going to make sure that they are saved and that they can live and you're
going to take every precaution that you can. But others - we just need a little
The loss of life will be irreplaceable.
condones violence in El
We expect them [Salvadoran officials] to work toward
the elimination of human rights in accordance with the pursuit of Justice.
Tobacco exports should be expanded aggressively
because Americans are smoking less.
We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to
enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made.
We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may
We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go
We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO.
We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a
part of Europe.
We should develop anti-satellite weapons because we
could not have prevailed without them in Red Storm Rising.
Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow
We're going to have the best-educated American people
in the world.
What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have
a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.
(Vice President Dan Quayle attempting to quote the motto : "A mind is a
terrible thing to waste.")
What does an actor know about politics?
I don't know why anyone would want to study the
expansion of the universe.
I doubt evolution is real.
If I listened to Michael Dukakis long enough I would
be convinced that... people are homeless and going without food and medical
attention and that we've got to do something about the unemployed.
If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all.
Trees cause pollution.